Sunday, December 6, 2009

Have you found this in a motel room?

I just walked into my motel room to the pervasive smell of smoke in my non-smoking room. Apparently the previous guest thought 'non-smoking' meant 'less than a pack a day.' Either that, or this little 'no smoking' card on my night stand was put in mere moments before my arrival.

But I'm not gonna complain. I'm cool. Plus this room was so cheap I wouldn't be surprised at finding a body or a bullet-hole.

Then I go to unpack my toiletries next to the sink. The surprisingly clean sink, the sink with the well-ordered linen pyramid and the tidy trash can and the soaps folded into a clever washcloth boat. Then I see it.

Is it...?

No way.

Oh yes. Oh yes, it is.

It is a half-finished bottle of wine.

Re-corked, just chillin' here on this sparkling counter like it moved in with the last patron and thought, 'Yeah, yeah, this feels about right. I think I'll stay.'

I was startled. It wasn't like, say, a tissue in the trash, something that is understandably overlooked. This is a bottle of WINE. It's not a QUIET thing, a blending white crumpled thing. It's red, and it's got a long neck, and it's on an empty COUNTER.

I moved it with my elbow so I could see the label. Not that if it were nice I'd OPEN it or anything. Unless it were a Cakebread. Or a Duckhorn. We'd all become depraved humans at that opportunity.

But it was as I suspected: A Motel Red. That is a category of wine I'm now creating. Motel Red is the wine you get when you're staying the night in a smoke-infused motel room on an empty highway with nothing but an old t.v. and crusty remote control to entertain you, where your evening is spent half-heartedly flipping through staticky local programs from atop a coarse bedcover in a tuscan color scheme. Motel Red is a wine you buy when you don't really care--you're only going to have a glass (maybe two) anyway, and nobody's around to question your taste, and anyway, it will help you sleep. And when you pack your bags the next day, you leave it, because it has served its purpose. It's Motel Red. The one-night-stand of the wine family.

But it's still a bit shocking the maid didn't notice Motel Red perched merrily next to the bath linens. Maybe it was hers, something she brought along to take the edge off her shift. Or maybe she had planned to take it home and then forgot. Or maybe she's so used to half-drunk wine bottles in her own bathroom that this one flew by undetected. Either way, it's a strange, strange thing to find next to a bar of tissue-wrapped waxy soap.

Also, she neglected to leave me a glass. How am I supposed to drink my...water? 


  1. You know you're going to finish the bottle... don't deny it!

  2. Oh YUCK! The things that are going through my tooo imaginative imagination of the things that could've been added to that bottle!

  3. sassymum is right. I don't think you should drink that...water.

  4. Free wine v. my neurosis: who's going to win??

    Speaking of drinking water, I had to go out to my trunk for a glass only to find out that it wouldn't fit below the water tap. So I've been drinking water from the bathtub tap all night long. Awesome.

  5. Alissa - the Big SisDecember 7, 2009 at 7:09 AM

    Ha ha I am dying in laughter right now! I can so see you doing that too! Also, don't drink the water! Pretend you're in Mexico!

  6. maybe I've seen No Country For Old Men too recently with all it's scary motel scenes... be safe out there Shroni! No drinking opened containers and stay away from front desk clerks!

  7. Omigosh I'm so glad I haven't seen that movie now!! I'd be even more freaked out!!

  8. go get yourself some whisky - will kill the bacteria in the wine!

  9. Only bottled water!!! Have you learned NOTHING from me at all this past year??

  10. Does it count if I'm refilling my bottle of water from the taps of gas station bathrooms??

  11. Yes, that is totally safe. So too are - running with scissors, chewing razor blades and drinking milk straight from the cow!!

    signed- detached follower from Texas